And New Years resolutions, but that doesn't fit in the journal title.
I've heard it from a bunch of sources that if you want something to happen in a certain way, you have to start by believing it's possible, and believing it's possible starts by speaking it. Is this something you've thought much about?
Always I have felt like saying something made it more real. Usually in a bad way. Like if I were to talk about a nightmare, or give a ghost a name, those things would become more real. Or if I feel something I'd rather not, as soon as I speak about those feelings, they become a reality, but if I leave them silent they are more likely to float away.
The converse is something I've heard other people say is true, but I don't know how much I believe it, and without belief, I wonder if saying it would do any good. You know, like if you want to lose weight, you tell yourself in the mirror that you are going to and that you have already started down the right path. You do this every day, along with diet and work out of course, and gradually you change your mentality to one that is more conducing to success (vs. telling yourself you are fat, and so you remain fat.)
I guess I should believe this works and can help bring about success. (I see even now I am not saying any certainties. Only that it MAY help.)
In my own life, I see tiny evidence. When I put down a first layer of paint on a watercolor painting, it almost always looks hideous.
Nothing like the final painting would look like. It has taken a lot of practice to keep myself from immediately giving up at that stage. Instead of telling myself the painting is a failure, I remind myself that the painting needs a lot of work yet before any judgement can be made. There is no telling failure or success. This ugly underpainting may evolve into the first step of something beautiful. Now I have done so many paintings, I have enough personal evidence to believe this is true.
Or with weight. My entire childhood, my family and friends called me fat and ugly. There was no other voice saying anything else. And so that is what I was. When I moved 2000 miles away to take my degree, the stress of school caused something like a freshman -35. Suddenly being skinny and away from every voice of failure changed my opinion of myself. Complete strangers had nothing negative to say about my looks. It was shocking. My beliefs were altered forever and the possibilities suddenly became a graspable reality.
But these instances I feel are small success brought on by outside forces that enabled me to believe.
What I need now is to believe a thing is possible without an outside force to influence me. I am surrounded again by voices of failure, now without a way to escape or the hope of returning to school where I had freedom.
The past month, I feel like my life has been shrouded in this horrible black veil that I can't see beyond. ;__; All I can believe for myself is talentless failure.
I have reminded myself daily of my dreams, but I don't think just thoughts are enough. I need to speak about these dreams. Like maybe admitting to dreaming would help the dreams become something real. Maybe hiding them keeps them from existing.
---These are my dreams, no matter how far fetched or unrealistic they are ~
(And I'm not going to be vague. I'm going to be agonizingly specific.)
Someday, I want to paint a card design for Magic: the Gathering. :< AT LEAST ONE. I've been staring at those cards since high school. My life will not be complete until I have painted one. I will pursue this until I either paint one or die. OR I will paint one, print my painting, AND TAPE IT TO THE DAMN CARD. I will find some random card with a title indicative of a wolf monster or an elf or something and tape my painting to it! But that is kind of a last resort. I'd rather do it for reals.
I don't just want to finish TG. I want it to be printed all together as a hard bound book and just for one month, maybe towards the end of TG, I want it to be in the top 10 on TWC. +___+ Even if I die trying to update two or three times a week to do this and buy advertising a lot, I want it! I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED OF COVETING READERS OR VOTES. I work so hard, for nearly nothing, I will want what I want!
I WANT TO MOVE IN WITH *RadiusZero
! 8( Our finances are going to work out. Her student loans are going to stop being stupid and I am going to either find a wonderful freelance job or TG will suddenly start making better than it is. I don't care which, one or the other or all of the addressed, BUT IT WILL HAPPEN.
I WILL PRINT A SKETCHBOOK. THERE WILL BE FUNDING FOR IT. SOMEHOW. NO ADDENDUM ON THIS. IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
Before TG concludes, I would like one more page at least to get a DD here on DA. :/ One of the watercolor spreads. There are some really awesome images lurking at the end of chapter three that will push me beyond all artistic limits. 8( If I survive chapter three, it will be a feat worthy of a DD. I have read this job application so many times.
I have used it to build a happy fantasy in which I have the courage to apply or a portfolio to apply with. Someday I want to apply to this job or a similar one, and I want to be hired, and I want to move to a city I wouldn't otherwise have moved to, and I want to work that job for as long as it is right to do so. I dream also of such a job helping to develop my skills and of getting to work with artists much better than myself.
There, I've written them down. I will not contemplate further on the reasons none of them may ever happen. Fuck the reasons.
If you want to try and practice speaking a dream so you can believe in it, please, go ahead and comment.
Thank you for reading my dreams. I just don't want to forget them.
I also promised myself recently that the next time I wrote a journal, I would feature some of the recent fanart I've received. <3 Because these people, they put so much effort into their work, it shocked me. They all deserve so much more love than I can give.
F A Q
WHAT IS TOILET GENIE?
TG is a weekly webcomic that I draw, write, and publish. c: It is dark fantasy, currently rated 13+. The story follows a pug which discovers a genie living in a toilet. Through a series of odd events, the pug is turned into a woman. Before she can forfill her destiny (whatever that may be...) she must learn the story of how the genie came to live in the toilet. WHEN DOES TG UPDATE?!
TG updates ~ Thursdays. But if the page is done early, it updates early. If the page would benefit from more time, it updates late.COMMISSIONS/TRADES/FREE ART
I'm always interested in commissions, but I may turn them down if I'm cramped for time. Trades are a possibility, but unlikely. If you have to *ask* me for free art, chances are I will not give it to you.